Oh how times flies when you are muddling through life as best you can. Last November (eek! didn’t think it had been that long ago) I posted a couple of times about a cushion cover I was making in sewing class. The posts were as much about how crafting has become a bigger part of my life as about the cushion cover itself.
I did eventually finish the cover after much cursing and ripping out and redoing. (In my defence I was limited by a very large cataract in my right eye which was replaced in June). Its not perfect, far from it, but I was pleased to have finally finished it.
The whole episode of struggling with the cushion cover – in large part because I had to miss a number of sewing classes – has epitomised some of what I feel about how life has turned out for me. I’ve always had lots of ideas for projects floating around in my head – research ideas (women’s history is my big research passion), ideas for community projects, ideas for books I think I’d like to write, ideas for our home and garden, and over the last few years, craft project ideas have been added to that jumbled mix.
I’m not short on ideas. My imagination is clearly still working (if possibly in overdrive) and I have the skills and ability to at least get most of these underway. Yet my finish rate is very poor. Is that because I start too many things and then don’t have time to finish them? Possibly that’s part of it. I currently have two crochet projects, a knitting project and a cross-stitch project on the go. There are four unfinished sewing projects I can think of easily without having to go and check. And that’s only the craft ideas.
I’m typing this at my desk in our home office where I can see a notebook in which I pulled together all the ideas I had for research and writing projects that were on various bits of paper or in the back of other notebooks where I jotted things down as they came to me. I just checked that notebook. I compiled the list nearly two years ago, and there are 49 separate projects on it. FORTY-NINE.
I don’t know if that is good – that I can think of so many things I want to do – or bad because maybe its easier to make a list than to actually do any of them? I am very aware that the biggest obstacle to me getting on with all of these things is headspace. Time is another huge issue, but headspace is probably the biggest one.
As carer to my beautiful disabled daughter – who is now fifteen which doesn’t seem possible – headspace is at a premium. There is always so much to be done in my caring role – admin, chasing up people, making sure all paperwork is correct so she can go to respite (and that currently means co-ordinating paperwork from three different sources/healthcare providers, checking it is all correct, cross-checking to make sure none of it contradicts anything and physically getting this paperwork to and from various people), attending appointments, etc etc etc. That’s on top of her daily care needs which have increased considerably in recent years. And that’s on top of housework, trying to make sure I eat decent meals rather than falling back on processed crap (and too much of it), supporting my husband who has an acquired brain injury, and the list goes on.
Is it any wonder I’m short on headspace?? I know that in one sense it would be easier? better? more sensible? to let all those ideas go, and to ‘just’ focus on caring for my daughter, helping my husband and running our home. But I’m a person in my own right too. I have things I want to do that will bring me enjoyment, pleasure, a sense of achievement, fun. Being a carer should not mean I have to give all that up.
We were told just the other day that our daughter – so by extension us – have been allocated ten hours per week of home support. This would be a huge thing for us. Those two hours each day, five days a week, would hopefully be a help in getting some more headspace for me. I was thrilled and to be honest more than a little surprised to get that news. THEN in the next breath I was told that at present there is no one to provide that home support. I was much less surprised at that piece of information. It actually took a few days for the intense disappointment I am feeling to register with me. I am not letting this go and I will persevere. But right now it feels like yet another insurmountable task. If there is such a thing as a goddess of headspace, this would be a really great time for her to put in an appearance.